I wanted to blog at least once every month and I skipped June.
Such is life.
Today is July 4th. "America's Birthday".
Want to know what I wrote last July 4th?
Here it is:
"Bottlerocket to the Brain
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Tonight as I was swimming, cutting through the perfect temperature water easily like a knife through butter under a vanilla sky, I caught myself.
When my world is quiet, when I'm drifting in and out of here and there, my mind goes backward. I started thinking about 4th of July's past; how this one feels so different, how this whole summer feels so different...and how that's bothered me -- how I've felt like I've been failing myself for not having the adventure-filled sun-soaked days I recall in summers past.
I have been putting so much pressure on myself to make this summer so memorable...when it already is!
When I think back about shaving cream fights, communal showers, night swimming in a cloud of firework exhaust, shucking raw oysters, live bands, road trips to Alabama, Red Stripes with lime, BBQ stains on t-shirts, conversations that stretched into the morning, hangovers that stretched into the next day, pictures that spin in my mind like a movie reel, touches that felt like they'd last forever...I get lost. The truth is, most things are much better in my memory than they were at the time.
There is nothing that can compare to the past, just like there's nothing that can compare to the future. Moments, memories, bonds. I will never be 5 again. I will never be 15 again. I will never be 25 again...and I'm glad. For right now, I am where I am. I won't be here long. In 10 minutes I'll be in another room, doing something else. In 10 years I'll be so far from where I am now this stage in life will seem like a foggy dream.
I've seen so many fireworks in my life and they punctuate me. I may not be lighting them off this year...for the first time in many...but that doesn't mean I'm not celebrating inside.
The price of postage has changed. The way I wear my hair has changed. The way summer feels has changed. I have changed. It hurts to say goodbye, which is what I've been doing for months now, but it's needed. Memories are strong, but the present is stronger. There is nothing in life that's as constant as change...
A Monday can be just as exciting as a Friday, if I let it be. Often I find, it's the things I don't put any effort into other than being present, that turn out to be the best. It's the things I let go of, the times when I allow myself to loose the need to control, that resonate the strongest within me.
Boom, snap, crackle, fizz. Happy 4th of July. Happy day of independence. Happy day for me of another step in independence from the past."
______
It's funny how in a year, so much has changed and yet it feels like I could write the same blog today. Perhaps it's because the lessons I'm learning at this stage are lessons of self. Perhaps, like complex fractions, it's because the lessons I'm learning at this stage keep stumping me, again and again.
I have no answers today. Instead, I have a sunburn, sore muscles, a good book and homemade potato salad. Tonight: fun at The Port with Matt and Jackie.
I'm here now. Less in the past than in the past and less in the future than in the past. Sometimes "here" is less exciting than I wish it were and sometimes "here" feels like it will never be anything other than it is. However, here is here and I am here. For all that's worth, for all that I choose to make it. That's what I've got.
Me. Here.
